Life In Relation to Monty Python Sketches
by Lucillia
Summary: Sometimes life imitates art, sometimes art imitates life, and sometimes both have identical names for similar things but...Let's just say that the Doctor can't appreciate some Monty Python sketches because they remind him of incidents he'd rather forget.
1. Hell's Grannies

"I don't see why you didn't find that funny Doctor." Jo said as the skit ended.

"In the latter half of the 21st century, little blue-haired old ladies are..." The Doctor started, trailing off as he tried to fing the perfect adjective for the last generations born in the Twentieth Century.

_"A pub, or as the Americans call them, a bar, is a good place to get information." The Doctor said as he passed a row of bikes, nervously eying them. "Just try not to say anything offensive this time Jamie, I'd rather not be forced to duck out of a barfight."_

_The music that hit almost like a shockwave the instant the door to the bar was opened sounded like Gangsta Rap. No-one inside seemed to be listening to it however, since they all had headsets belonging to hands-free devices that could do everything from play music to adjust the temperature on the shower before you stepped inside. Headsets that could cancel out the surrounding noise and play whatever the hell you wanted if you weren't say, in a conversation with somebody in China for instance._

_The Pool table, which had changing advertisements and what looked like two televison shows and the evening news running across its surface, had a holographic display above it which showed high scores from around the world. Apparently, Doctor, The had just beaten out Rani, The for that day's high score somewhere in Tokyo. _

_Walking through the rapidly shifting lights that wouldn't have been out of place at a Rave a few decades earlier, he made his way to the bar. On his way, as he was dealing with the sensory overload, he nearly ran into an elderly woman who accidentally spilled the drink she was carrying on herself due to the sudden stop. The fury in the woman's eyes was easy to read, and the yellow Iris coloring made her look positively demonic._

_The woman who looked to be about seventy-five years old who was about his height set her drinks down on a nearby table that was occupied by women who looked to be in their sixties and seventies as most of the bar's clientele appeared to be. All of the women had unusually colored hair, ranging from the almost tame blonde to the bright blue spikes of the woman whom he'd just accidentally caused to spill her drinks. The woman whose arms were covered in tattoos which looked to have been touched up recently, and whose ears showed signs of having been stretched in the past, and whose navel - which was revealed by the high cut shirt and the low cut jeans she was wearing - was pierced._

"Let's just say that the Hell's Grannies don't beat you about the head with purses and leave it at that." The Doctor said as he picked up the dematerialization circuit on his way out of the TARDIS's media library and started another round of his perpetual repair attempt.


	2. Mafia Sketch

"Doctor, are you even watching?" Jo asked, looking up from the monitor in the library.

"What happened to the Brigadier last week was funnier." The Doctor said as the Mafia sketch ended with the Colonel calling it to an end and announcing it was time for a cartoon.

_"Jeeps break, troops get lost, fights break out during inspection, bases catch fire, ammunition explodes. Not good for business." the man in the sharp suit on the left said. The hairy creature who had come into the office with him nodded in agreement._

_"Are you threatening me?" the Brigadier asked, which he took as his cue to interrupt before the real threatening got started, which would be soon if this lot was who he thought it was._

_"Brigadier, I need..." he started as he barged into the office pretending to be oblivious to the presence of the two aliens who were present._

_"Holy shit! Time Lord!" the one in the suit who was apparently the spokesperson since the hairy alien was cheap hired muscle after the item that looked like a watch that was on his wrist started sounding out an alarm._

_"Hello." he said with a smile that would be pleasant if one didn't look at his eyes. "You wouldn't happen to be bothering my Brigadier would you?"_

_"...No." the hired muscle said as he slowly backed towards the window before rapidly turning and diving out of it, not caring that it was closed. His partner rapidly followed._

_There were times when being from Gallifrey was a definite advantage, and this was one of them. The one time the Galactic Mob had tried their protection racket on Gallifrey, the reaction was...Well, let's just say that everyone left Gallifrey the hell alone after that and anyone who was in the mob no matter the family tended to make themselves scarce when there was a Time Lord about. Even a wee Time Tot who may have wandered off during an outing._

_Not that there often was._


	3. Cribbing Notes

Jo Grant growled at the set when the penguin on top of the old womens' set exploded. Normally, she'd find that sketch funny, but as it turned out, the Master had proven he'd had a sense of humor three weeks earlier. It was just her luck that it was the sort of sense of humor that just had to go and ruin one of her favorite shows for her.

_Isn't it darling? Jo cooed as she pointed to the item that was resting atop the television in the lab._

_"Isn't what darling?" the Doctor asked, not looking up from his experiment._

_"The rabbit!" Jo snapped, pointing at the ceramic rabbit upon which the television's rabbit ear antenna had been perched like a pair of ears which was resting atop the television._

_The doctor glanced up from the experiment that was paying for fuel for Bessie and looked over at the television. A recent model if he wasn't mistaken._

_"When did that get here?" he asked._

_Jo turned on the t.v.. Rather than the usual BBC announcer's face, the Master's face appeared._

_"It is now time for the rabbit on top of your television set to explode." the Master said an instant before the ceramic rabbit blew up sending ceramic shrapnel flying in all directions. Fortunately, neither Jo nor the Doctor were seriously injured, having ducked under nearby tables the instant the Master's face had appeared._

_"It would seem that my foe is running out of ideas." the Doctor said._

_"Why do you say that Doctor?" Jo asked._

_"He's been cribbing notes from Monty Python." the Doctor replied._


	4. The Accidental Kamikaze

As the Doctor watched Scotsman after Scotsman fall over the castle walls to their deaths on the small screen, he failed to suppress a wince. The so-called Kamikaze Scotsmen sketch that Jo and Captain Yates were finding so amusing had hit a little too close to home for him...

_There had been a hearts-stopping moment when Jamie's battle-cry turned into a shocked and fearful scream that abruptly broke off too soon. In the boy's eagerness to catch his opponent, he had chased and then followed the creature over the edge of the city walls. Had the young piper not miraculously been caught on a decorative carving halfway down, he would've been just as dead as his enemy who lay broken on the ground below._

_It took nearly an hour to carefully haul the young boy up, and when he'd been brought in it had been revealed that he had two broken ribs and some internal damage and his spleen had needed to be replaced. Since much of his surgical knowledge regarding humans was theoretical on his part and non-existent on his hosts' part, he had spent a good deal of the operation worrying about whether Jamie would make it off the table or not._

_After the surgery, the boy had promised to stay away from the edges of high walls in the future, but not two weeks later subjective time, he was being hauled back into the TARDIS with a broken leg._


End file.
